With all the available posts in the Island’s Poet Laureate Industrial Complex successfully filled, and so many eclectic cross sections of the Vineyard
community seemingly faceless, it’s time to implement laureate infrastructure into all walks of Martha’s Vineyard living. The possibilities, unlike haiku length, are endless.

A team of Angling Laureates would do wonders to help guide men, women, and children through the intricacies of the Striped Bass and Bluefish Derby. Out of bait? Dial up your friendly neighborhood Squid Laureate. Trouble catching anything other than scup? Email the False Albacore Laureate for a lure consult.  

Informational Laureates would allow locals to avoid unnecessary interactions with tourists. The Steamship Laureate could provide assistance with ferry schedules; the Chilmark Chocolates Laureate, points up-Island. Unless it is nighttime, in which case the latter could moonlight as the Back Door Donuts Laureate.

Fierce political debates would become much less painful thanks to a lineup of Local Controversy Laureates. The Roundabout Laureate could keep road rage in check while the Piping Plover Laureate patrols the dunes. Tensions in Oak Bluffs would most certainly be eased with a Fluoride Laureate. Fluoreate for short.

They say that man’s best friend is a laureate, but it used to be a dog. Let’s crown a Canine Laureate to help our trusty mutt and purebred friends through the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune at the dog park or in their chicken plucking neighbors’ yards.

Once all of these new leaders are in place, there would be just one more step to ensure the success of what seven out of eight Vineyard residents are predicting to be the “Great Laureate Renaissance of Human Civilization.”

The appointment of a Laureate Laureate to rule them all.